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Sometimes Always, Monsters Chapter 1Chapter 1 - Wise Old Man of Dubstown
I open my eyes and shudder. I had that same dream again, the dream of how I met Edea. It has been a year and I still haven’t moved on.
I sit up from my lumpy old mattress and stretch my arms. I sigh. Looking around me I recollect that I live in an alleyway, a dump more like it, but this is all I have left now. I only have my mattress and shoes left from my apartment.
About a month ago, the owner of the apartment complex that I used to live in had enough of me being late on my rent. He had enough of it so much that he decided to kick me out and keep all of my belongings. I have been living on the streets of Dubstown ever since.
My stomach growls loudly not only annoying me and my ears but also causing a sharp pain in my abdomen return. I press my hands lightly over my stomach and breathe out. The pain subsides and I sigh in relief. Might as well find someone willing to pay for some labor because I cannot go another day without eating.
TiredI am so tired.
My body just aches,
even if I just lay on my bed
and do nothing.
I cannot even drag my body
through out this house of mine.
I can already feel myself
unable to keep this fake smile
for my family.
At times when I lay in bed,
I can feel my heart beat
slower than usual.
When I notice that,
it tends to tighten up
and I just feel like crying.
Are days usually this slower?
Or maybe time is just keeping
things slow to torture my soul.
Sleeping is the only time where
I just feel at ease.
I want to lie down in my bed,
just once more.
I want to sleep.
I want to sleep only once more
and never wake up.
I want to be at peace....
Sometimes Always, Monsters Chapter 0Chapter 0 - Prologue
The running water comes to a halt in the shower and I step out of the tub. I grab the bright violet towel and dry my hair with it. I bring my towel close to my body and feel the towel’s soft texture against my breasts. I stare into my reflection of the mirror and brush my long brown hair. I see that my bangs are still blue.
The mornings are usually the slowest part of the day for me. It takes me almost half an hour to get my lazy ass out of the bed. Then it takes me an hour to actually get in the shower, not to mention getting dressed afterwards.
I hook the straps of my bra together and fix the strands on my shoulders. I breathe out and feel my breasts rise and fall in sync with my chest. I slide on a blank blue T-shirt, it’s tight, my breasts are pressed so close together that it almost feels good.
After putting on my pants, I quickly grab my cheap torn up backpack and run out of the apartment. Taking out my phone, I speed dial a taxi cab. In no
I Tear My Skin AwayI Tear My Skin Away
I tear this skin from my body,
Even if the world screams,
That I am only an illusion.
I tear the bones from my legs,
Through pain, I will grow,
Through suffering, I will become.
I rip the muscles from my arms,
These teeth from my jaws...
And with nothing upon me,
I carry on...
Like a broken puppet, still shivering,
Still forcing its way through the darkness;
I tremble for I am nothing...
And yet, I am moving. My voice still screams...
I draw breath into these tired lungs,
As I rip the flesh away...
And I shatter these mirrors before me,
With a voice that will not break:
Because the world cannot label me as nothing,
And I will live for my own sake!
"So tell me, is that all the pain you've got for me?"
You're worth so much moreShe was the type
to cut her wrists,
and then swallow the
because looking at what
was even harder
but I want to tell her
to let the emotions
p i l
out of her mouth,
instead of her
and that I'll gladly
let the words slice me,
if it means
You're beautifulPlease eat.
Are you listening to me?
If you are,
I want to tell you.
You re beautiful.
It doesn't matter what you weigh,
you shouldn't feel guilty about what you ate.
It doesn't matter,
I promise you things will get better.
Listen to my words,
Hold my hand.
Don't worry about the rest of the world,
It's okay if they don't understand,
How it feels like,
To feel fat,
To feel ugly,
To feel worthless.
You are none of those things.
It s okay to be chubby,
It s okay to be skinny.
Because you have a big heart.
And your smile,
Is like a priceless work of art.
And I don't want to see you destroy,
Because you're more than just a broken toy.
And to everyone else,
So for once let yourself be,
Accept your reflection.
Because you are the definition of perfection.
So don't worry,
Don't be sorry,
To be who you are.
Because you re,
Those Green Eyes (Or: Don't Lie to Your Kid)Those green eyes -
The green of joy
The green of hope
The green of love and acceptance -
Were always full of lies.
They first lied when I said,
After a nightmare at four am
When I was too small to reach a light switch,
“Will you ever leave me?”
And those eyes said,
Why did those green eyes
Shut when I needed them most?
"Are you okay?"
Would be a red line
That I would etch into myself
Those green eyes melted.
Those green eyes did shine
And I knew what it was -
I was young, not stupid -
But I indulged the lie,
For those green eyes.
"Will it get better?"
I asked one sunny Saturday
At ten in the morning
And those green eyes looked away;
“And you’ll be here forever?”
There were no words.
I made up my own affirmative.
Those green eyes -
When they saw
How I’d rubbed myself raw
notes on a matchbook love.if I were the type
to say how I really felt,
I'd tell you that
I hope you choke on your apologies
like they're arsenic
and your nails are already
with the poison.
I'd let you know
that I'll never be a body
for you to touch
just because I know that's all you want.
I'll never be a fairy in a bottle
at your waist.
this is no storybook, and
I am no myth.
hear my silence,
feel the cold absence
respond to your weak "I'm sorry"s.
I beg you,
stop digging the hole,
stop, just stop.
Hush and watch the flames
engulf the image you sold me.
you can tell me
I'm beautiful as much
as you want,
but I know that it's not enough,
that you'll always want more,
that you've been a wolf
between my legs all this time
and my fingers are bruised
from holding the leash.
now every time you whisper
"please be okay",
I will always tell you that
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I will forever pretend
that I've grown up from you,
that I've become a mystery
What is Hope?Hope is something we have as children,
It helps us thrive and try our hardest.
Hope is what we express in the worst of times
When all hope seems lost.
Hope is what people possess in life
To work toward our dreams.
Hope is a lie
That's not worth our time.
I Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger TogetherI Know You're Strong, Let's Be Stronger Together
if i’m being completely honest,
i can’t say i know what you’re goin’ through.
and if i’m being frank,
i’m sort of afraid to write this
because i’ve always been unsure
if i love too much but it’s my nature
and i’d rather lose by trying too hard
than to do so without doing enough.
i hope you’re asleep now
and i hope you don’t read this
till the morning and i hope by then
things will be a little lighter
but i’m hoping against hope
because if you don’t know,
i feel when things are off.
call it intuition, call it a feelin’,
say i just know it.
my friend, my door is always open
even when you’re feeling closed
off to the world and right there,
i can understand that feeling well,
because i still feel we relate to one another
better than most brothers understand their sisters.
know i look at you as a sibling
and i believe we know when the other
I miss youYou are a ghost in my head
Living, yet you haunt my thoughts today
To speak your name
Would be to desecrate this space
Where you are, I should not care to know
But you are a never-healing wound
An unfulfilled promise
A chance to do no wrong
My memories burn with your taste, your touch, your smell
Who have I become?
Too long have the years been to me
To find myself wishing for the crossroads
For the chance to say no, one more time.
FeelingHow am I to be rid of this feeling?
I feel it deep within my soul,
a burning feeling where my heart aches
deep in my chest.
I do not know why this feeling stings.
I have not done anything to anyone,
I am certain no one is mean to me,
quite true where I have all these people
to love and cherish me.
Then why do I feel this way?
What selfish reason is there for me
to act like a putrid monster.
I hold my plush close to my heart and
speak against its ear,
pretending that it can hear me soothes my soul.
It is like all those years ago,
where the feeling first started and I begin to cry.
The difference between then and now,
is that this feeling now feels...
IronmanHear me read it
My friends used to call William "Ironman" because the first time we kissed he got a nosebleed and the taste of his blood haunted me for a long time after it. We'd only been twelve years old and apparently the anxiety spiked his blood pressure to the point of combustion... I remember that when we were forced to take sex ed a few years later we were divided into separate classes for boys and girls, in case a diagram of an ovary was too risqué and we became animalistic and started clawing at each other in our seats, but nonetheless when our teacher Ms Jacobs had explained to us what an erection was in my mind all I could picture was the blood rushing to his nose and then the slash of cranberry across my blouse.
With the idea planted in his mind it didn't take long for William's hands to start wandering, but the image persisted. Every time I thought about just letting it happen I wondered what would happen if he got too excite
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